JUGAL MODY
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Non-stoners, here’s your god-approved day to get BAKED AS FUCK! And don’t forget to sing Happy Birthday to Shiva.
Because sometimes, you think you have time.
Mahabharat: What really happened.
Elmore Leonard’s Ten Rules of Writing
Elmore Leonard’s brutal rules of brevity. Writers read this!
- "You botched up a good deal there, Johnny."
- "Yeah? Well, fuck you too."
- "Don't curse, Johnny. Jesus doesn't like it."
- "Then stop giving me shit about donating some lead to a skull."
- "Someone's gotta tell you, you fucked up, son. It better be me than the bossman."
- "You can tell the bossman to go fuck himself too."
- "Don't say that, Johnny. First day on the job, you lose a regular. Not only do you lose him but bossman's now gonna have to take a bad deal from the Russians. You know how much that's gonna cost us, Johnny? Your big man's--"
- "Fifty fuckin' large? That's it, right?"
- "It's not about the money, Johnny. Everything's not always about the money. You shot the guy, in his office, in front of his secretary--"
- "Who he was obviously fucking."
- "No, he wasn't Johnny. He was a family man. He went to church every Sunday. That's where he met--"
- "Fuck you. If I had a secretary like that, I'd be fucking her too. You know cock. All you have ever done is, Johnny don't do this, Johnny don't do that. Well, Johnny's no longer a kid now and he can make his own fuckin' decisions. And if you or bossman have a problem with that, you can both suck my cock."
- "Don't talk like that about your old man, Johnny. He loves you. Why d'you think he sent you out today for the job. He wanted you to become a man on his 87th. He even got you a new car to drive to your first gig. It's time you stop wearing these track suits of yours and start wearing suits like the rest of us."
- "You know what, Joe. You're fuckin' funny. Check that. You're fuckin' hilarious. You lecture me about how much my old man likes me, about how he got me a gift on his fuckin' birthday. You know what? He got me a gun too and I decided to celebrate his 87th by using it. Now I am going to head to a titty bar and stare at some spinning tassles and celebrate his eighty fuckin' seventh while I fuckin' pass out."
- "Don't push me, Johnny. You're coming with me. You're going to sit at the dinner table with your wife and kids and when the guests begin to arrive we're gonna make this right. We're gonna go upto your old man, sit down, talk it out and tonight at his birthday party, we're gonna sit down with the Ivankovs and we're gonna talk this through. And you're not going anywhere with all that blood on your Puma gear. How many times have I told you since you were fifteen? If you're gonna shoot someone, be at least ten feet away."
- "What about if I just shoot you right about fuckin' now, dump this car and never be seen in this fuckin' town again."
- "Don't be an idiot, Johnny. He's your pa. He's gonna find you."
- "And what about you? Who's going to fuckin' find you, you lifelong lackey?"
- "The first guy who calls 9-1-1. Now, give me the gun and let's go home. Don't push me, Johnny."
- "Or what? You're going to ground me? Like you always have."
- "No, Johnny. You're just going to make it harder on me. I love you, you son-of-a--"
- BAM!
- "You heard that?"
- Phone speaker: "Yes. I'm sorry you had to do this."
- "Well, I'm sorry too."
- Phone speaker: "Somebody had to put the rabid dog down. Just drive home. We'll clean you up."
- "What are we gonna tell his wife and kids?"
- Phone speaker: "Well, they're my family too, and I am going to take care of them."
- "You want me to drop the body somewhere?"
- Phone speaker: "No, he'll be buried in the family cemetery next to my parents."
- "Well, happy birthday, boss."
Bruce vs Hulk
(via morbesety)
i won’t link to the full review of our show the other night, or even name the publication (if you care, google), because i don’t want to give the writer the satsifaction of the hits. but can i talk for a moment about how incredibly much this pisses me off? thanks, i will. the review begins:
“‘How can I make my friends into feminists?’ ran one of the more odd questions put to Amanda Palmer during a sit-down Q&A in the midst of this show. One answer, if you happen to be an internationally adored cabaret artist, is probably not to coo and gaze adoringly at your bestselling fantasy author husband for two hours in public.”
…and it goes on to give the rest of the show a great (four star) review. the show was, by the way, fantastic. neil read for about an hour, i played for about an hour, we did a bunch of great songs together, and i think pretty much everybody had a stellar fucking time.
anyway.
i’m not even sure what the journalist MEANT by this statement. did he mean “real feminists shouldn’t show open affection for their husbands?” or did he mean something else? the fact that i’m “internationally adored” and neil is “bestselling” seems to be part of the point he’s making, but….what’s the point? that if i were a real feminist i’d stand there screaming “I KNOW YOU THINK YOU’RE HOT SHIT, GAIMAN, WITH YOUR BEST-SELLING MAN-PENNED NOVELS AND ALL THAT CRAP, BUT I AM FAMOUS CABARET WOMAN! FUCK YOU MAN! I ALSO MAKE AN INCOME! I STAND HERE, EQUAL TO YOU, AND SHOWING YOU AFFECTION WOULD CLEARLY BE A SIGN THAT I KNOW I BELONG TO THE WEAKER SEX.”
rawr.
what?
the larger irony, of course, is how i ACTUALLY answered the question, which was something along the lines of:
“if you’re trying to turn your friends into feminists, i think you’re taking the wrong tack. i would back up and start off by not trying to turn them into ANYTHING…this is how we got into this whole mess in the first place.”
as far as i’m concerned, the most powerful feminist can do WHATEVER SHE WANTS.
THAT IS WHAT DEFINES A TRUE FEMINIST.
this includes: wearing heels, wearing combat boots, wearing nothing, sporting lipstick, shaving, not shaving, waxing, not waxing, being political, being apolitical, having a job, being homeless, gazing at men, gazing at women, gazing at porn of all sorts, glamming up like a drag queen, going in man-drag, being in a five-way polyamorous relationship, being childless, being a stay-at-home parent, being single, having a wife, having a husband, and gazing/cooing adoringly at those wives or husbands anywhere they fucking choose, including elevators, restaurants, puppet shows (well, maybe keep it g-rated if there are small children present), ….or on theatrical stages at fringe festivals. are we getting the picture here?? the most powerful feminist can do WHATEVER SHE WANTS. the minute you believe you’re a “bad feminist” because you said the wrong thing/wore the wrong thing/got married/chose to have children…or otherwise broke some unspecified ”code of feminism”: DON’T BUY IT. THERE ISN’T ONE. you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT. ANYTHING. THAT’S THE POINT.
let’s say that one more time for good measure:
ANYTHING.
don’t let anyone try to turn you into a feminist.
just be one.
Buy Toke
(Pictures courtesy: MightyObvious, Sonali_Thatsall and Lisa)
birdartpoetry asked: Mister Gaiman, you’re kickass. I was just wondering, what do you think is the best way to seduce a writer? I figured your answer would be pretty spectacular.
In my experience, writers tend to be really good at the inside of their own heads and imaginary people,…
